Celebrating five years of strength

Dr. Heidi Horsley from the Family Guidance Program has been conducting workshops and discussions on sibling loss. Here is a recent article from issue 111 of TheLink newsletter of the FDNY-CSU.

SIBLINGS & PARENTS: Branching Out to Heal

Helping to create healing partnerships has been central to the CSU’s response to the attacks of 9/11. At recent events, both parents and siblings connected with experts who offered new strategies to help them look ahead to the future.

On the evening of July 13, it may have been brutally hot outside but inside the CSU space at 594 Broadway, 19 parents were pampered as they heard talks about nutrition, acupuncture, massage, and yoga and learned breathing exercises and a few gentle stretches before sitting down to an organic turkey dinner. While feeling good was a major theme of the evening—winners of massages raffled off experienced immediate stress and anxiety reduction—the event demonstrated the importance of the ongoing link between self care and a healthy heart and mind. “We are very serious about coming up with new ways to connect parents with services to support them as they embark on the next phase of their journey,” says Dianne Kane, CSU Assistant Director. “Losing a son is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. But over this past five years, the physical toll of the sadness and anger and the energy they consume, have created their own problems,”—including stress-related i! llnesses.

“I learned great tips on how to take care of myself day by day and make life a little better,” said one mother who, like all attendees, gave the event high marks. “We learned a lot of useful information to help us with this long lonely road we were left to travel,” said another.

Relieving the isolation felt by siblings was the driver behind four dinner seminars the CSU has hosted this past year, which were led by Heidi Horsley, Psy.D. “Heidi herself lost a brother,” says Bonnie Gang, who helped organize and lead the events. “That lends greater meaning to her suggestions of how siblings can maintain a bond with their brother through their relationships with the living.”

“It helped me that Heidi had also lost a sibling. I felt she could truly understand,” said one woman, who like many sometimes feels dismayed by the intense emotions that wash over her. Having their experience affirmed by a professional who’s been there, too, reassured everyone that as one attendee put it, “all of the feelings I have that are hard to understand are universal,” as the informal discussions that continued over dinner also showed. With family members feeling pressure by the rest of the world to move on, siblings, many of whom believe the depth of their grief has never been fully acknowledged by others, feel mounting distress. The CSU aims to help them address this issue and find ways to move forward in life without leaving their brother behind.

If you have ideas about events or services for parents and siblings or questions about future programming, please email Bonnie (gangb@fdny.nyc.gov) and Dianne (kaned@fdny.nyc.gov).

Our special appreciation goes out to those of you who completed the “Back on Track” questionnaire that polled respondents about which services you’ve used and found helpful. As always your generosity and willingness to help others whom you may never know has been extraordinary. We have received over 100 responses and some are still coming in.

We thought you might be interested in some preliminary observations. Most widows have elected to stay home to manage the household and children, only about 10% are working full time. About 50% of widows are not dating currently, about 32% are, and 15% have remarried. These numbers may change as more families respond. Final results of many interesting facts and views will be sent to all who participate.

Much appreciation is due to the American Red Cross as well as the FDNY-CSU for continuing to fund all of these services. For more information about the FDNY-CSU/Columbia University Family Program, please call 212-851-2402 or email fdnyfamilyprogram_at_gmail.com.

We wanted to share this article with you, published in issue 111 of TheLink newsletter of the FDNY-CSU. Please feel free to send us your comments via email!

SUCCESSES AND REMINDERS:
Mothers and Children and How Far They’ve Come

By Grace Christ,
Director, FDNY-CSU/Columbia University Family Program

This past summer, one mother of four children who lost their father on 9/11 challenged herself to drive her family to Hershey Park for a vacation. It would be the first time they had been there since before Dad died. Previewing the trip for his 5-year-old brother, her 10-year-old son said, “You’re going to love this place, everything about it is terrific and fun. There is just one thing that keeps it from being perfect: Dad won’t be there, that would make it perfect.”

They made the trip and all had a great time, illuminating one fact that is true for most families: Five years after 9/11 there still seems to be no lack of firsts for wives and children who still face having to take big steps without the husband and father who perished that day. Like the 16-year-old girl who took up dancing for the first time since Dad used to drive her to her lessons before 9/11, the 15-year-old boy who plunged back into baseball after avoiding it since his dad’s death, and the 10-year-old boy above, many kids have successfully integrated the emotional challenges posed by their wrenching loss.

Showing great resilience these past five years, mothers and children have also bravely moved through developmental milestones, celebrating graduations, applying to and being accepted by colleges, and getting that first job. Families have also embraced change: moms’ new relationships that the kids have integrated into their lives, new homes, new neighborhoods, and new friends.

Along with all the positive growth, there are always reminders of the man who isn’t there to share in the fun and help mark the defining events in the kids’ lives. Transitions the family has made without Dad— leaving behind an old house that he renovated, even if the new home suits the family’s current situation and needs can raise mixed feelings. Through it all everyone knows how proud he would be of their achievements and how much he would want the best for them.

In fact, the relationship with Dad continues to be a strong and important part of their lives. He remains forever in their hearts and minds. That bond can be a comfort for those who have experienced increased turmoil, especially in anticipation of major transitions. Children may need help to understand the sudden waves of emotions that can crop up and to connect them with the loss of Dad. Though they may be scary, these intense feelings can be important opportunities to re-think how they have been affected—and who they are becoming. With greater understanding has come for some greater control: one 15-year-old girl did a presentation for her class about her experience of 9/11 so that her classmates would better understand her reactions to the recent films that have dealt with 9/11 and the upcoming media coverage of the fifth anniversary. Other children and teens have found solace in remaining more private.

Over this past year, many mothers and children report that the intense emotional waves are now less frequent, don’t last so long, and are easier to rebound from. Anniversaries, birthdays, family illnesses and deaths, transitions, and terrorist threats are less likely to be the triggers. Instead, as one mother recalls, the reminders that now set off her intense emotions can be more subtle, often unexpected, and as a consequence more powerful.

Recently waiting for her children in her car in the “pick up” line at the new school her kids are attending, this mom heard their family name mispronounced, as usual. By the time her children, 8 and 10, got into the car she found herself in tears. She explained by telling them how when she first met their dad when she was 16, she had trouble pronouncing his name, too. He and she used to make jokes about it. She shared those with her kids and soon they were all laughing hysterically. Having recently remarried, she’d added her new husband’s name but the children said they were happy keeping Dad’s—”even if it is funny.” Her son told her he was glad he could make her laugh.

There have been many such bittersweet moments and laughter has offered relief. But there has been sadness too. Not everything new—including relationships for the mom, friendships for the kids, and other life experiments—have worked out as mothers or kids had hoped. Sometimes disappointment has lead to a sense of failure, self doubt and loss of confidence, which the fifth anniversary may exaggerate. When and if mothers and children begin to judge themselves harshly, it can sometimes help to look back at the road they’ve traveled and see how far they’ve come, remembering the successes of the past few years and how many hurdles and seemingly impossible challenges have been overcome. As a 16-year old girl says, “I just keep getting stronger.”

Both moms and children have worked hard to redefine themselves and the family with Dad gone from their daily lives. Encompassing so much change takes more time and strength than most people can appreciate. The world is often impatient and thinks, “it’s five years, you should be over it.” What mothers and children have taught us during this fifth year is that these waves of emotion related to the loss are important and psychologically integrative. The death of the firefighter has defined their lives, but in no way has it destroyed their lives. They have gone on not only to survive, but to thrive! “

This article was written with input from FDNY-CSU/Columbia University Family Program counselors Heidi Horsley, Liz Creel, Matt Epperson, and Lauren Geller and program consultant, Sallie Lynch.

Professor Grace Christ joined co-authors Dianne Kane, Malachy Corrigan, Paul Green, and Sallie Lynch at the book launch party held today at the Fire Department Museum of New York. The book is entitled “FDNY Crisis Counseling: Innovative Responses to 9/11 Firefighters, Families, and Communities” and published this month by Wiley. More information at: http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0471714259.html